gut punch, unintended
(Disclaimer: This is just to get this out of my head. I love my work, and am blessed to work with a fantastic company. This is by no means a dooce-esque entry).
I walked into the building this morning, chatting with a coworker I’d happened to meet in the parking lot. As we walked through the lobby we encountered another coworker who was speaking with security. I called hello to them both, kept walking – and was met with a teasing, “Boy, I wish I could come in at 9am.”
I called back to him – “Yup, and you just have to deliver a baby, pretty sweet deal -” because that is what brought about the change in my daily hours. Before I went on maternity leave, I met with my boss and we decided on 9am-4pm as core hours for me; I could flex around those as necessary. It made returning so much easier – truly, it was a huge blessing. When I was a breastfeeding new mom, it was damn near impossible to (wake, pump, get ready, wake the baby, dress the baby, feed the baby, pump again, gather all her things and get her to her dayhome and then) get to work by 9am, never mind my old 7:45am start time. I’ve kept the 9am start time after a discussion with HR because it is working out well for Madeline and I; also, I’d like to have the option of driving her to school someday (yes, I know that’s way down the road).
I didn’t think much about it until I met him again in the lunchroom, and he brought it up again. He seemed to mean to apologize, and I didn’t really understand why until he said “It’s just funny, you know, to me. Since I get in at 7am others come in so much later, and then most times I see the 9am people leaving well before me. It’s just funny, you know?”
Then I got it. He was apologizing for what he’d been thinking, not what he’d said. I got it, but I don’t think it’s funny. It was an unintentional gut punch, one that’s had me hunched and working furiously all day, trying to make up for something that I never really can. All those extra hours that everyone else puts in, I guess, and I rarely do anymore.
But that’s not really true, is it? I don’t think so. I have a lot of fun in my position, and I pound the hours when it’s necessary. I work hard for the results my department achieves. I am 100% present when I’m at my desk – I’ve learned to compartmentalize and make sure that my time away from my girl is effective, productive.
I can’t expect him to understand. He’s a parent, yes, but his wife is able to stay home with their son. He’s never had to participate in – or even witness – the intricate, delicate dance that is unique to each working parent. I know he’s a great dad – he’s a great guy – and we’ve traded lots of stories about late nights and early mornings and the antics of our children. I genuinely like him, and so I don’t think this was intentional at all. It just highlights the lack of understanding that some of the world seems to have about what it actually is to try to balance all these spinning plates.
I hate having to apologize for this, dammit. I’m trying so hard on all fronts, but it never shows up anywhere. The only thing that people see is what I’m lacking, and that hurts. I know I’m privileged to have all these plates to balance, to spin, to keep aloft. I know this. It’s just – when you get sucker-punched, however unintentionally, it’s so much harder to keep going.
Filed under: working mom | 5 Comments
Tags: life balance, working mom
More of me here:
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I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but some people need to shut their yaps before they say something stupid. And that was definitely stupid.
You work those hours because that is what’s best for you. You have double duty for a little girl and a working husband. Those hours match your needs.
His wife stays at home and there is no need for him to rush to daycare or get his kids to the doctor. He doesn’t need special hours. He needs to accept that. Does he have to deal with the guilt you have when Madeline is sick and you have to go home or call in? How you bend over backwards to make up for those situations so your boss knows you’re still a valuable asset to the team?
Unfortunately, there is no equality of the sexes in the working world, no matter how much HR claims there is.
My 2 cents, sorry.
You said it best right there. Every working parent (and, let’s face it, especially working moms) have a delicate balance they have to work out for themselves and their own families. And even the best laid plans sometimes fail and we end up screwing work, or, much worse, screwing our kids.
I’m sure he didn’t mean it. But I totally understand your sensitivity to the implied criticism. You ARE doing your best. And your happy, healthy, intelligent little girl is your evidence that your best is enough for her. We all need reminders of that sometimes, though. I know I do.
I hated being a working mom, but I wasn’t really sure I was the type to be able to stay at home and stay sane. It wasn’t until I found a network of SAHMs that I started feeling jealous of their situation. Now that I’m home I know I did the right thing. The only thing I wish is that I didn’t have the babysitting to deal with. Not that I don’t love the kids, it’s just that I don’t really have the same freedom as other SAHMs. I wish I could leave the house during the day sometimes! But overall it was worth it for me. I feel for you. Corporate America just isn’t accommodating or appreciative enough of working mothers.
I wonder if some of it stems from him being sad that he is missing things at home…
My husband goes to work super early (i.e he is there by 6), but unless he has to work overtime, he is home around 4. I don’t mind that schedule. But, it sounds like this guy also works late regularly, so he may be misisng his kids and taking it out on others unintentionally…
Oh, this sucks, and I can understand why you feel so bad about it. However I think it’s important to recognize that as long as you are in a situation that works for you, your supervisor, and HR, and allows you to complete the work you are paid to do, then that is a good situation regardless of what others may think of it.