the best-laid plans
I wasn’t supposed to renew my prescription this month.
To be totally honest, I wasn’t supposed to renew it last month either. Last month was supposed to mark the beginning of Parenting Journey, Part Two: the month in which I would stop birth control pills, start taking additional folic acid along with my usual daily prenatal, and start weaning myself from caffeine. It was to be the month when I started arranging my daily meals to more closely resemble the food pyramid, the better to ready my body to carry another child.
Of course, we made that plan when I was still pregnant with Madeline, and obsessed with being “done” with pregnancy by the time I was thirty. “It just makes the most sense,” we agreed. We wanted to be young parents. As though thirty isn’t still young. My God, was I really that insufferable just two years ago? Looking back I see just how innocent I was… how casually, how easily we both took this leap of faith. “Let’s have a baby,” we said. And then we did. The thought of it now sends me to cower in the corner – how quickly, swiftly we jumped.
And now… well, I refilled my prescription. I feel less ready for pregnancy than I did before conceiving Madeline; having been through it once, it seems, has increased my wariness of the process and all that goes along with it. I am older physically, though only slightly; mentally I’ve aged years, and I am weary from the rapid passage of years in my mind. This mind-age has taught me caution, fear, respect for the completely overwhelming love that split our lives wide open.
There is really no part of me that feels ready for another baby: I’m not ready physically, emotionally, or financially. Particularly that “emotionally” part; the mere thought of another baby taking Madeline’s place in my arms as I rock her to sleep brings tears to my eyes. Who, then, would rock my Madeline? The simple idea of it feels like a betrayal.
It’s scarier now. I never expected that, but it is. In my naivete I’d thought that, without a doubt, the second baby would be easier: I’d be an experienced mom; I’d be experienced with pregnancy; my fears would be eased somewhat by time. I wouldn’t fear the unknown any longer; there wouldn’t be an unknown to fear.
That’s not the case. I am more vulnerable than before, made so by my love for Madeline. The thought of multiplying that by two… it’s incomprehensible. Rather than growing smaller, the realm of the unknown has blown wide open, expanded to include not only my life, but hers. My daughter, toddling off into the unknown, my heart in her hands.
And so my prescription has been refilled. It sits on my nightstand, where each morning I cannot forget it. Each morning, as I swallow the pill, I am reminded of what lies before me: the ground I must take, the accomplishments I’d like to achieve before continuing this journey. It’s overwhelming, sometimes, to think of it. It would be easy to get pulled under by the fear of it.
But then… then Jimmy walks in, led by a small girl in fuzzy footed pajamas. She is pulling her silky blanket behind her, binky in her mouth obscuring her smile. They climb back into bed; some mornings she snuggles close, others she bounces and crawls about, eager to “geh-DOW” and explore. Every morning, I know that every portion of this journey is worth it. Every morning, I know that one day my fears will all be erased with the arrival of another small, all-encompassing soul. One day.
Filed under: Jimmy, family, me, parenting | 11 Comments
Tags: birth control, family planning, parenting
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I hate to respond so soon after you’ve posted this — I feel like I want to let YOUR sentiments, so beautifully written, linger on the air. But I felt exactly the same way. More scared than the first time, and definitely couldn’t imagine anyone taking my AJ’s place as the child of my heart.
Of course KT didn’t ‘take AJ’s place ‘- as I know you know, that’s not how it works and you’ll understand one day, as they say. But I completely get where you are at this moment. So just keep loving Madeline and enjoy this time – it’s so precious.
Last night I was just commenting to a friend that the larger age gap between my kids (larger than I thought I wanted) has been SUCH a blessing, in many ways. So don’t worry about putting it off. It all works out the way it’s supposed to.
We just let things happen. The pill and my body are not friends, so I didn’t even go there this time. We did some family planning, but in the end we just let things happen.
I guess I am “lucky” in that AJU5 is independent – she doesn’t want to be rocked to sleep, etc. So, it makes two a little easier. But, I still wonder how things are going to be when this little one comes.
One thing to remember is that whenever you do stop taking the pill, you have 9 months (or more) to prepare. It isn’t like the new one is just dropped off the moment you stop taking the pill. As Madeline gets more independent, I bet you will see the time when you are ready for another one!
This is so beautiful. You will be ready, eventually. One day. I think you have it right. And 30 really is just an arbitrary line.
You’ll know.
I’m a “young parent” and finished my birthing babies by the time I was 27. Now, at 28, being done, with my two perfect babies, I am ready for anything.
I wouldn’t change a second.
You’ll know.
Great title for a great post.
I had the same time line, but life handed me a curve ball. Instead I had Sprite at 30. I am ready for another one. I just hope my body is.
When you’re ready, you’ll know.
We had the same thoughts. I wanted my kids to be around three years apart. We’re quickly nearing that time frame. And I can’t. I just can’t. Not yet. The exhaustion, the stress, the wear and tear.. with TWO now?
And I know it’s stupid, but I fear (horribly) that I won’t love another child as much as I love my baby. How can one heart be that big?
I hear ya, sister. One day. One day.
Amen, Sister! I hear ya, 100%! I “planned” to have kids 3 years or so apart, and that means we should be “getting busy” so to speak…we may, soon..ish…or maybe not. I go back and forth daily. I had my first spark of “baby fever” last week when I saw a little tiny newborn in a stroller on the street. But it seems to have faded quickly.
Also, as someone who didn’t have her first child till 31…I still feel pretty young
So don’t worry about that. I AM stressing that I want to be done by 35, there’s something about being considered “high risk” simply because of my age that freaks me out a little. So…that leaves me about 20 months or so to get pregnant and have a baby. YIKES. I need to go throw up now! (And NOT because I’m pg!)
SUCH a beautiful post…
Yeah… I understand, too. I thought I’d be ready to jump back in and have them exactly 2 years apart. Since we started when I was 30 I felt we had to knock them out. Now Nate is 20 months and I “should” be 5 ish months pregnant. NOWAY! No, stinking, way!
I am ready now and Mike is too. It took a long time to get that another baby wanst a Nate replacment, it was an addition. That couldnt have been explained to me, it was just something that happend slowly. I felt the change happening, no longer shaking my head at newborns and feeling soooooo sorry for the parents. OH they are so tired, gawd I’m having boob sympathy pains… it started seeing the baby. “OHH! FEEET!” it was slower than I expected but it did happen. We have a plan now and it’s a lttle scary. My job duties (hah- DOODIE!) are going to increase by 100%- how do I grocery shop with two? How do I do anything with two??!
Who knows… but you’ll know when your ready.
Oh yes, I am right there with you. We’re fast approaching Noah’s first birthday, the birthday I said would be our jumping off point on #2. Ha, oh, ha. And yet, I am always thinking about #2…when I fold away Noah’s outgrown socks I envision them on another set of itty bit feet, when I retire the rattles and pacifiers to the bottom of a drawer, when I think about putting away our bottles in a month and wondering when they’ll be back out on my counter. So it’s there, this invisible baby #2, always there.
I can so agree with this. You put into words what has been in my heart. I do want another child, but I find myself held back, thinking “But what about Jonathan? Who will cuddle him at night and hold him when he scraps his knee?” I mean, it’s not like I will replace him with another child, but that’s the kind of things that roll around in my head.
I don’t feel ready in any way for another baby. My goal is to have another before I’m 35, though, and I’m going to be 32 this year, so my window is shrinking. You have a little more time, so go with what you are feeling now.
You will know when you are ready and I’m sure I will too.