week 4: written 3.30.2012

Dear baby,

Hi. Oh, hello, I am so glad to know you! I am so thrilled to know you’re here, that you’re coming. I have so many plans for you, and so much gratitude that you are coming to join our family. We have been waiting for you and wondering when your time would come.

We learned about you last night, and your daddy couldn’t stop grinning. He is a good daddy, baby, and I know that you two will love each other so. Did you hear my heart pounding? Part of that was with a mixture of surprise and panic, I’ll admit – you are such big news, such a BIG change regardless of how much we love and want you - but mostly that was excitement, that you were finally coming to be with us. We’ve known you were out there somewhere in the ether, waiting, and I’m so glad that now is the time.

Mostly, after seeing that little word on the stick – “Pregnant” – my head was immediately full of the future and what it could be with you in it. I see December and Christmas as easily as if I’d already lived them, and already it’s hard to imagine life moving forward in any other way.

You have a big sister. Her name is Madeline, and she will be the very best big sister that you could hope for. She is smart and stubborn and funny, and I know that she will teach you all sorts of tricks – the sort of tricks that pretty much guarantee that Daddy and I will be utterly unable to keep up with the two of you. That’s okay. She doesn’t know about you yet; for now you are Daddy’s and mine alone, a secret to hold close to our hearts. And for me to keep close, growing beneath my own heart. I know that she will love you, with the distinct love of a sibling that I’ve been lucky enough to have in spades in my own life. I can’t wait to see the two of you grow together.

We can’t wait to meet you in December and we love you already, both the idea of you and the person we know you’ll grow to be. Keep growing, tucked away inside, and I’ll keep talking to you and singing and praying.

Mostly my prayer has been this: Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you for trusting me again. Thank you for such a precious gift. After four years of watching your sister grow I know now, fully and wholly, the gift of your presence. I am knocked down by it, in awe of you already and filled with gratitude to the One who makes it so. Thank you, God. Thank you.

Love, Mommy

12 weeks, 1 day

I’m pregnant!

I’m pregnant, and I’m so excited. I am excited, and relieved, and more than anything I am so very ready. I spent a lot of time wondering whether this time in our lives would ever come, and now that it’s here I am just grateful. Deep down, soul-level grateful that another person is coming to share our lives. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s my second pregnancy; maybe it’s just that our lives and circumstances are so much different. Whatever the case, there is very little anxiety and I simply cannot wait to meet him or her.

Yesterday was my twelve-week appointment, and Jimmy came along to hear the heartbeat. Before starting up the Doppler, my doctor gave the usual speech: twelve weeks is a little early, don’t worry if we can’t find the heartbeat right away, sometimes it takes a little time, nothing to worry about, if we can’t hear it we’ll do a quick ultrasound…

I nodded and nodded and waited. I had been waiting for this noise since I saw the word “Pregnant” on the stick. I had been waiting for this noise, in reality, since Madeline was about three years old and I began to pray that there would be another perfect and hilarious little person joining our crew. I had been waiting.

He placed the Doppler on my belly… and there it was, as though this baby was just as eager to show himself as we were to hear. Immediate and perfect, 176 beats per minute.

There were no tears, only smiles and laughter. I couldn’t stop laughing; my God, is there a more joyous sound than that galloping rhythm? Other than the first cry… the first word… oh, there are so many sounds, but this was the first.

This baby will be here by December 5, and I can’t think of a better gift – or a better way to end the year.

:::

Everyone has been asking how Madeline is doing, and I am absolutely shocked to say that she is doing great. I didn’t know how she would take the news, and to be honest I was pretty sure that she’d take it badly. To this point, her feelings on babies have been lukewarm at best.

After my eight week appointment, Jimmy and I pulled her up onto the couch and she sat on my lap. “Madeline, I went to the doctor today,” I told her. “Do you know what he told me?”

“No,” she said, eyebrows furrowed a bit.

“He told me that there is a baby growing in my belly. We saw the baby, and it’s healthy and happy. You’re going to be a big sister.”

I was… I was scared, to say the least. I was a little teary because oh, I didn’t want this to be terrible. I wanted her to know, so much, that she is still our everything and always will be. I held her tightly, waiting.

She gasped. She gasped like it was Christmas and said “REALLY?” She scrambled down and began to shove at my stomach. “I don’t see it. Where is it? I don’t feel it.”

“It’s still really little, but it’s growing bigger every day and will be here by Christmas,” I told her.

“It WILL? It WILL? My brother! It’s my brother and his name is Evan.”

“Okay…”

We talked some more, about the fact that it could be a brother or a sister and when it would arrive and so many other things. I mentioned that she might like to help me make a Christmas list for the baby to send to Santa, since the baby would be so small and wouldn’t know yet what might be fun. At this, she ran off into her room to get paper and crayons and began scribbling out a list that rapidly turned into a laundry list of the things that she would teach her “baby brother.”

And then I cried.

I know this has nothing to do with how she’ll feel when the baby arrives. I know that there will likely be hard moments and days and very likely a lot of jealousy. But oh, I hope that she loves him or her. I hope that she someday has the kind of bond that Jimmy and I enjoy with our siblings.

In a word, she has been wonderful about it all. I cannot wait to see her as a big sister.

April book list

23. Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson
This book… was not for me. It switched back and forth from a first-person account to a variety of allegorical fairy tales that never really wrapped together for me. The major plotline was around a crazypants religious mother, which always makes me slightly uncomfortable; I wish that there were a better representation of religion in literature, but I guess it’s not so entertaining to write about the average person’s faith. Still. Just not my cup of tea.

24. Heaven is Here by Stephanie Nielson
Oh, this book. THIS BOOK. I have been inspired by Nie for a while now, but this book. It was fantastic and inspiring and awful and wonderful. I really loved it. I love a happy ending, and this one? One of the happiest I could have conjured.

25. Touched by Angels by Peggy Webb
A poor single mom of a special-needs child finds love in a broken jerk (who is, naturally, disgustingly rich) who ONLY SHE can redeem and who of course is her child’s favorite person EVER. No.

26. The Man Who Left by Theresa Weir and Anne Frasier
This was a good, quickly captivating read – the true story of a woman whose father left her family for an old-money older woman when she was young, never to be seen again for many years. When he grows old, they come back into contact and she ends up caring for him through Alzheimer’s. It left a lot of unresolved questions, but I think that may have been part of its power – this was very thought-provoking, particularly in terms of forgiveness.

I am not doing so well on this goal for the year – however, I’m going to blame this month’s bad performance on the fact that we moved. That sounds like as good a reason as any, since most of my free time in April was consumed by packing boxes.

glass cage of emotion

The moving continues. There are so many boxes in our apartment right now that it’s laughable. I mean honestly, you can hardly get in the door, and the kitchen is an utter mess. I have been sorting through everything we own and donating much of it (6 garbage bags and 4 boxes so far!); there is only so much stuff that one little family can carry around with them, you know? Everything that I want to keep is labeled and organized and sorted into totes. It feels really, really (disturbingly, maybe) good.

For every bit of organizing I’m doing, my husband is matching me in terms of cleaning. Have I mentioned that he’s awesome? He is. He’s been scrubbing walls, cleaning the oven, cleaning the shower, mopping the floors… I am so grateful to not have to do any of those things. It’s fantastic.

I have been involving Madeline in the process of the move, and she is pretty excited about it. My dad made her a very special piece of furniture that is going to hold all of her toys, so we went to see it at his house and have been organizing all of her things into the pink storage cubes I bought for it. We have also sorted many of her toys into underbed storage, and I am hoping that this will all lead to her being able to pick up more easily. So far, the results have been as good as they can be while we’re living in the Land of the Boxes.

We even went through her stuffed animals; she had two laundry baskets full and we’re down to one. She chose which animals to donate, and I didn’t push her or force it – I’m hoping that the concept of giving to children who have less than she does is sinking in a bit. I also ordered this to store the animals at our new house so that they will actually be a bit more usable in between turns on her bed.

However, all this packing has led to so much hoarding on her part. HER BED. She is putting everything in her bed. I have included her every step of the way and explained over and over and OVER that EVERYTHING is coming with us unless SHE chooses to give it away, yet she keeps putting more stuff into her bed. I have not cleaned it out yet because I see that it’s her safe place right now in all this chaos, and yet there is VERY little space left for her to actually, you know, SLEEP in. Last night she got out of bed three times to request items she couldn’t find in her little stash, and I obliged her by finding all the items to add to her hoard.

Anyway, we’re starting to move on Friday and really, the sooner the better. The anticipation is always worse than the actuality. I am betting that our upstairs neighbors will probably cheer as they see us leave with our collection of loud-ass Harry Potter movies (and our surround sound). And I will wave gleefully, knowing that their slamming door has knocked stuff off my walls for the very last time.

All that said… this apartment has been so very good to us and there is a part of me that will be so sad to leave. It’s the place that we decided to try dating more than thirteen years ago, and it’s the place where we chose to stay a family. It has been a safe haven for us in so many ways, and I will always remember it that way.

I should have taken more pictures before the boxes descended, so I’d have illustrations to match my someday-to-be-told remember whens. It makes me smile, though, to think that Madeline will remember a little bit about the place where there were pink birdies on the walls of her room, where she slept in a big-girl bed for the first time, where we made chocolate-chip pancakes and Christmas cookies and birthday cupcakes, and where she snuggled in bed with Mom and Dad on Sunday mornings. Of course all those things will come with us too.

I feel so lucky that all of those things will come with us. I love the walls of this place that we’re in for giving us the space to make that so. I am praying that the new space surrounds us just as closely.

send boxes!

So, we’re moving!

We’re going to be moving to a house in the same town we’re living in now. Still renting, but we’re really looking forward to being in a house again and all the things that allows. Strangely, most of the “house things” that I’m excited about center around being outside: playing in the backyard, grilling, using sidewalk chalk and riding bikes in circles in the driveway. I’m really excited about all these things. This move will actually put us even closer to the park that Maddie loves, so that’s another big plus.  It’s also super close to the ice cream store that she loves, but we haven’t pointed that out to her yet!

It’s the same size as the apartment we’re renting now in terms of bedrooms (2) and bathrooms (1). But: Garage! Patio! Entryway for coats/shoes/etc! And most of all – we get to have a washer and dryer right in the house. It’s the little things, you know? It’s these things that are carrying me through the thought of moving again. Neither of us wanted to move again until we bought a house that will (God willing) be permanent, but sometimes opportunities present that you just can’t skip. This seems to be one of them. The terms of this lease are much better for us as well; there will be less worry about timing involved when it’s time to really, truly move for the (please God!) last time.

We are really looking forward to it, even Madeline, I think. She was pretty hesitant at first, but after several assurances that we’d take EVERYTHING with us – even her bed – she decided it would be okay. We took her with us to sign the paperwork and meet the couple who is renting us the house, and she opened right up to them. As we were talking through the lease, Bob brought up pets (which are allowed, but which we likely won’t take advantage of).

“Nope, no pets,” I said, initialling that line.

“Well, I have a pet,” Madeline piped up. “It’s a pet dinosaur and he is DEFINITELY coming with me.”

She also told them that she thought moving her old bed would be okay, but a new bed would be so much nicer. “Maybe I can build one,” she mused. “I don’t know where to get the wood though.”

“Oh, I bet you could go right to the hardware store and get some wood. Probably some screws and nails to finish it off, too,” Bob told her. She nodded seriously, considering.

“I could,” she said. “That would work.”

I think it’s going to be a great fit, old bed or new.